Metal Resolutions | Don’t Hold Your Breath!

Once again it’s theme day at the b5 Media channel and todays theme is Resolutions made by Bands/Stars that will probably be broken. I contacted a publicist for each of the following Bands and/or Stars and asked them if their clients had made any new years resolutions. Here is was they told me!

Zakk Wylde
Resolves to start taking a shower at least once a week, and once a month when touring.

Sebastian Bach
resolved to stop trying to sell us a shitty record and pry his lips off of Axl’s ass.

(~~Secret Lovers, that’s what we are~~)

Axl Rose
resolves to stop talking about Chinese Democracy and just release the damn thing so we can all be disappointed already!

Metallica
resolves to record a good album…maybe they’ll actually keep good with this one?

Kerry King
resolves to start attending church.

Avenged Sevenfold
resolve to stop calling themselves metal and stop wearing so much eye liner. Punk sucks and glam’s not coming back so make up your mind and STFU!

Brett Michaels
resolves to stop dated skeavy whores on national television in hopes of finding a “Good Woman”.

Dez Fafara
Resolves to stop making himself look stupid by trying to sound even remotely intelligent.

Tommy Lee
resolves to stop making a mockery of himself and the band that he built a legacy on.

Gene Simmons
resolves to stop plastering his painted face all over everything from tube socks to tampons and selling them for outrageous prices!

And lastly, Dave Mustaine
resolves to stop spelling “cool” as “kewl”.

(Note: If you really believe that I contacted any of the aboves publicists…please take a moment to beat yourself about the head and neck until consciousness subsides.)